When you wonder about what it’s like for a woman struggling with infertility, I want you to picture this… There’s a mountain she’s climbing, so tall, so high, and so rocky that she doubts whether she will ever reach the top. It’s a climb which includes falling down several times, bumps and bruises, and the urge to give up. It’s so hard, yet she feels she can’t ever take a break to rest and recharge.

Too focused on the destination, she doesn’t take a moment for herself to stand still and enjoy the sunset. She worries she won’t find beauty at the top or safety once she reaches the other side of the mountain. It’s an uphill battle, one that is scary, unpredictable, physically painful, and emotionally taxing. I liken this uphill battle to what women are going through on the journey of infertility.

As a maternal mental health therapist, I feel honored to climb this metaphorical mountain with so many of my patients. How do I do this?

By holding their hand as I climb along with them, reminding them what’s on the other side, and celebrating each step as they keep on climbing. Believing in them so they can believe in themselves. Promising to celebrate once they reach the other side and knowing the climb will be worth it… even when faced with unexpected obstacles and setbacks along the way.

Recognizing the Struggles of Infertility

I know firsthand how painful it is for women to navigate the entire infertility process and to continue to show up at work each day, attend friends’ baby showers, answer questions from family members about their pregnancy plans, and even just the day-to-day experience of seeing strollers parked outside of their favorite coffee shop.

It’s so hard to struggle with trying to conceive, miscarriages, stillbirth, and loss, when so many assume that having children is “natural” and “easy.”

When the road to creating or expanding one’s family is challenging, many women feel ashamed of themselves and their bodies. What can make it even more difficult is if they feel like there is no one in their life who understands what they’re going through.

We need to begin to normalize these experiences and allow women space to grieve and mourn. So often, friends and family of those trying to conceive or who have suffered a loss aren’t quite sure what to say to them.

Empathy is always the best approach. Instead of saying something like, “Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll get pregnant soon. Just be patient and stay positive”, try to acknowledge their experience by saying, “I imagine this holiday weekend with your in-laws might be tough. I’m here for you”. Even a simple, “How are you doing” or “ I’m thinking of you” can go a long way.

Processing the Infertility Experience in Therapy

Many women aren’t sure who to turn to outside of their doctor’s office about their invisible struggles with infertility. With more and more women on the infertility journey than ever before, there is no reason for anyone to go through it alone. I, of course, encourage these women to work with a therapist like myself, who can offer unconditional support and provide a space for healing and processing their experiences.

I’ve spent years with my patients processing the physical, emotional and grueling pain they are experiencing as they navigate the rollercoaster of fertility challenges. It’s devastating. Period. And, at the same time, I am truly honored to have the privilege of simply holding space and onto the hope that these women often struggle to hold on to for themselves. Believing in each woman's strength, their courage to keep fighting, helping them find extra motivation even on the darkest days can be such challenging work, but by far the most fulfilling.

Finding a “Benchmate”

In addition to therapy, there is tremendous value in finding comfort and community with other women who find themselves on a challenging road to motherhood. Having just one go-to person to connect with can be a total game-changer for combatting feelings of isolation and loneliness.

While a therapist can help a woman on their climb up the metaphorical mountain of the infertility process, a good friend can cheer them on through their victories and sit alongside them during their deepest struggles.

To help facilitate these special friendships, I recently co-founded Benchmate, an online platform that matches women struggling with infertility with others who are walking on the same challenging path to pregnancy and motherhood. The goal of the program is to connect women with the friend they didn’t know they needed and won’t be able to live without.

With every relationship formed, I’m increasingly hopeful that women will no longer suffer alone, but find solace in others.

Accessing Support Throughout the Fertility Journey

If you or someone you know is struggling, I welcome you to contact me directly via my website or follow @withelizabethb on Instagram.

I am committed to providing support and resources to women and their families in all stages of the perinatal experience, including those who are navigating fertility treatments, secondary infertility, miscarriage, late-term losses, as well as surrogacy.

Please remember that, no matter the circumstances, asking for help is a sign of strength. Your future self will thank you for getting the support you deserve.