Whether it’s your first miscarriage/pregnancy loss, or your second, third, fourth, etc. – yes, sadly that happens more often than you’d think – it makes any pregnancy after feel like a rollercoaster. Once you’ve gone through something that traumatic it’s hard to go back to where you started and have the benefit of ignorance is bliss – the innocence, excitement and joy that a pregnancy can bring no longer applies. You’re scared. And nobody can blame you for that.
It’s important to anticipate and accept that a heightened level of anxiety the second you have that positive pregnancy test. Your mind may automatically go to the negative outcomes that you’ve previously experienced – it’s how your brain has now been trained. So coping mechanisms are KEY to get you through to the other side.
Honor the Loss
Grief needs space. Chelsea Leland and I recently spoke about the importance of honoring the loss itself.
After Chelsea’s second miscarriage, she happened to be on the beach. She gathered flowers, created a mandala in the sand, and said a prayer. It was her way of marking that moment, of acknowledging her grief rather than pushing it down and just pushing forward.That kind of ritual, no matter how simple, can offer an emotional release.
You might write a letter, plant something, light a candle, or take a quiet walk in nature. The action itself doesn’t matter as much as the intention: to pause, to feel, and to recognize your loss as real and significant.
Skip the Blame Game
Chelsea also pointed out how easy it can be to fall into the trap of blaming yourself. But the truth is, there’s nothing you did to cause your loss, and there’s nothing you can do to guarantee a different outcome. It’s critical that you recognize this and let go of any misplaced guilt.
Finding Surrender in the Storm
Bethany Meyers, who experienced her first miscarriage after her second IUI cycle, described the loss as gut-wrenching. But she also shared how it led her to a place of surrender. Surrender doesn't make the pain go away but it can offer a powerful shift: the moment you stop trying to control everything, because you finally realize you can’t.
That surrender is not the same as giving up, it’s about softening - letting go of the illusion that effort equals outcome, and learning instead to exist in the in-between with grace.
Manage Expectations
Being proactive can help reduce the unknowns. Write down your questions for your doctor or nurse before your appointments. If you need reassurance, ask for it. Want to go in early for a scan? Advocate for that. If stats and probabilities help you feel more in control, request them. You might also create a timeline of milestones (heartbeat, viability scans, anatomy scan) to help structure the chaos.
Yes, some of this might seem excessive to those who haven’t walked in your shoes, but if it helps you cope it’s not overkill. It’s survival. And it’s valid.
Lean On Your Support System
Make sure your people are ready to support you. Whether it’s friends, family, an online community, or professionals. Or all of the above! If you're comfortable being open, tell your trusted circle where you're at and how they can support you, especially in those early weeks when the anxiety can feel particularly overwhelming.
Prefer privacy? There are many anonymous online spaces - Facebook groups, Reddit communities, and specialized forums - where you can share, ask, vent, and be met with empathy. Many fertility clinics also offer counseling services or access to support staff trained to walk with you through this experience. A fertility coach or mental health therapist with experience in reproductive trauma can also be a powerful ally.
You Deserve Joy, Too
Let’s be clear: this isn’t to say you can’t have a joyful pregnancy after loss. You absolutely can. And you deserve that joy and so much more. But you may have to work harder to feel it and that’s okay. Feeling scared and hopeful at the same time isn’t a contradiction. It’s a reflection of your resilience. Both things can exist.
If there’s one message that matters most, it’s this: You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you’re not doing it wrong. You’re navigating one of life’s most difficult balancing acts - holding grief in one hand and hope in the other.
So take care of yourself. Prepare, grieve, ask for help, and allow joy, however it shows up.
